In another worldwide exclusive for The House Of Bacon, we can reveal Chelsea Football Club's latest controversial goalie signing - Jesus Christ. As can be seen in our exclusive spy photo, above, Jesus has already been attending training sesions for the club and is believed to have been a fan of Chelsea since he was a young lad.We managed to grab a quick few words from Chelsea's Russian billionaire owner, don't know his name, Sergey or something, and he had this to say:
"Yes, What?!? Who are you? Who sent you? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? OH! YA, YA ze boy Jesus, he's done very good, been playing a blinder .................... Now, you buy vlashtak.Very good vlashtak, you buy. I say you fucking buy, you fucking dog, ok, ok two thousand pounds, YOU BUY! Boris! This fucking dog here - he wont buy Vlashtak! Ho ho, Boris is going to fuck you up now dog, you fucker. Ho ho, how do you like that for your birthday? you shit dog."
It is believed Jesus was first noticed by Chelsea during his early messiah days although, a contract was never offered back then as he had a rather aggressive technique and a very cloudy temperament - he would shout and swear continually from the goalmouth. He has since matured into a very confident keeper and only occasionally can be heard shouting "YOUR SHIT!" and "FUCK OFF, I'M JESUS! FUCK OFF, I'M JESUS!" at other players.
Obviously, Chelsea's players will no longer indulge in half-time oranges, oh no, there' ll be plenty of bread, fish and wine for everyone now. Certainly, most days, there'll be enough to feed all the officials, as well as the entire ground staff. Maybe, even a couple of specially selected fat, and hungry fans.
This shocking news comes just days after Newcastle United's shock signing of dead, 'shut that door', cunt dodging, comedian mid-fielder Larry Greyson.
What do YOU think of Chelsea's new signing?
Do YOU want to buy some vlashtak?
Have your say, at The House of Bacon.
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8 comments:
He should'e went to Man U, chelsea are making a mockery of the beautiful game....
i'd like some Vlashtak please, whatever it is.
Jesus saves then T-Bone nets the rebound. One nil you cod fucking tramp.
Jesus saves then T-Bone nets the rebound. One nil you cod fucking tramp.
Better make that two nil. Seen as i said the fucker twice. By the way has anyone seen the video for my new tune "come down with my vengeful rath"? It knocks fuck out of most things you could mention.
who the fuck is t-bone dangerfield? i've only heard of the spice girls and slayer. so in answer to you question, of cours we have not either seen the vid or heard the fucking song. and i bet its not as good as angel of death or spiceworld the movie!
oh yeh, and if jesus was half the goalie that moses is then chelsea may be ok, but as he has his fucking arms and legs nailed to a stick i would think he must be pretty crap, and i dont think fifa allows the use of miracles which is his only fucking trick from what i can see.
Moses is a shit goalie any fool knows that. He's an old school wing attack for fucks sake, Don't you have the bible first 11 edition of subuteo??? Jesus in goal, Mary is up front, Cain and able central defence (solid as fuck although prone to arguing among themselves) Moses is your traditional wing attack
Fast on his feet and can turn on a sixpence (or a 5p in new monies) with loads of tricky shimmies and step-overs and the ability to take on the wingbacks...Jesus is always the goalie although he can sometimes struggle with crosses....
moses said:
"but as he has his fucking arms and legs nailed to a stick i would think he must be pretty crap"
have you seen how jesus hops around on that cross? he has a spring device on the bottom that basically turns his cross into a pogo stick - BOY! can he move.
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