archived: Iraggi freedom. 2003

Greetings Smokey Bacon fans. As usual, the house of Smokey Bacon is proud to
bring you up to the minute news coverage of all major global happenings. Our
infamous reporter Norrie "10 bellies" McVadge has been in Baghdad since the
coalition forces went in to Iraq, he is "embedded" with the royal ballaclava
heavies brigade. Here is his first report.

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11/04/03 - 11.10 am Baghdad time.

Hello there, Norrie McVadge here reporting for the house of smokey bacon
worldwide news service. Well, I have been here for a few weeks now it would
appear. Although most muslim countries have a ban on alcohol, I have been
pissed as a f*ucker since I arrived. I think the allies are about to start
the campaign off but it's very quite just now. Also, looking out of my hotel
window, I notice that the statue of Saddam has been destroyed so I hope i'm
not too late getting out of bed. Anyhow, here are some reports I stole from
another journalist this morning:

Yesterday, we witnessed the coalition forces erecting a 40foot high concrete
Pat Butcher, a new defense system which is thought to provide the allies
with a safe "umbrella" under which to kill at will. We spoke to a royal
engineer who had this to say:
" We're not happy until we've got the big pat up and running. Once that
bitch is up, its out with the poker tables and the BBQs - YEEEHAWW!"

The american friendly fire campaign continues as a british soldier was
beaten to death with a baseball bat by a US navy seal team last night. The
operation was deemed a great success by the allies.

A civilian vehicle was fired on at a military checkpoint early this morning
after the occupants refused to offer coalition soldiers any of their grapes.
An army spokesman commented, "we have tried telling these people, they HAVE
to offer. One of my men see's a bag of grapes of course he's going to get
rattled, then when the offer is not given immedietly, what's he meant to do?
Stand there like a dick, looking at the grapes? No, he's going to fire
indiscriminantly into the car, f*uck them, f*uck their grapes."

Pockets of resistance are still being encountered. In Basra, 3 Iragi
soldiers and their dog were seen sharpening sticks next to a bonfire. It is
thought that this elite force may move back toward Baghdad in the coming
days to reinforce existing troups there. We must remember that the US forces
dislike foreign dogs, especially ones with teeth and are likely to throw a
bomb. This comes as quite a shock to our forces as weapons inspectors have
been filing down dog's teeth in Irag for 4 months now. "We just hope some
Irag f*uck doesnt have a pet snake." said the US's Donald Rumsfeld, "or a
big, hairy spider, ewwwww".

American forces have managed to upgrade their distance measurement
equipment. Up till now, all distances have been measured in FPs ( football
pitches), now this has been made more accurate by the addition of HDs (
hotdogs). For example "Our nice boat is 12.4 FPs long" will now become "our
nice boat is 12 FPs and 1078HDs long".
"How long is your rifle soldier?"
"Oh, its a long f*ucker, about 18 HDs."
As you can all see, this is much more accurate.

A team of American special forces have been seen, near Basra, counting
pretty stones. Troop leader Cpl Mike Be'fburger had this to say: "We're up
to about 14 now sir, but we have a long way to go. Looks though, as if the
retreating Iraqi soldiers have actually been taking pretty stones with them.
It would also appear that fake pretty stones are being placed on the ground
and wired up to sticks with dog sh*it on them. One of our guy's grabs, what
he thinks is, a pretty stone only to get a dog tod on his hands".
One soldier, unfortunelty, was actually hit by a shitstick just after this
report was taken.

Speculation continues as to the whereabouts of Saddam. Current intelligence
tells us that he is now actually flying over Irag in a gigantic hot air
balloon, comically shaped like a giant ketchup bottle.
The UK premiere Tony "ten tonnes of hell" Blair said in a press conference,
"It, indeed, appears that Saddam is making a quick run for Syria and should
arrive by next Wednesday. However, rest assured, that if we manage to detect
his craft we WILL open fire. We hate hot air balloons, they really fu*ck me
off personally. That c*ock richard branson can kiss my hairy nuts."

Again, just like the Afghanistan war. Laser guided Dot Cottons have,
reportedly, been fired from coalition warships and should reach their
targets by late August.

Thats all from me for now, stay tuned for further, up to the minute, news
reports.

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THEY WANT FREEDOM? THEY CAN

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BREAKING NEWS
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11/04/03 18:10 Baghdad time. Reporter Norrie McVadge.

It has been reported, by allied forces, that a gang of mischievous ghouls
are terrorising soldiers just south of Baghdad.

It would appear that the ghostly spirits of Roy puffer Castle, Jill bang
Dando and Rod tw*at Hull are putting coalition lives at risk.

An army spokesman had this to say:
Yes, indeed, the ghostly trio have been seen, at night, driving a ghostly
Ford Mondeo 1.8LX at great speed through the desert- all smoking tabs and
laughing. The problems started when Roy began stealing bullets from our men
and making record breaking sculptures out in the desert with them.
Intermittent sighting of Norris McSquirter are also coming in as, it
appears, he is verifying Roys world record attempts.
Jill keeps leading our men on by showing her ample breasts and touching them
but then refuses to finish the lads off, truly being a phantom co*ck
teaser. What a bitch!
The worst of the lot is Rod, whom was an annoying pr*ick at the best of
times anyway.

An infantry man with the Royal Brigadoon fusiliers said Well, first we
notice a feint wiff of cigarettes then roy appears and runs off laughing
with our ammo crates. What with roy stealing all my bullets and Jills
constant refusals this war is quickly turning into a farce, to be honest.

Rod Hulls ghost is being accused of causing all of the USs friendly fire
incidents. He , apparently, hides in the cockpits of US planes, then , when
theyre over a civilian or friendly target he shouts "bomb the stinking
bassers!" and, using Emus beak, pulls the bomb release lever. He has also
been known to attack pilots faces with Emu at inappropriate times, like
what his entire stage act was like. C*unt.

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All military medals from today are to be replaced by Esther Ansons ( from
the BBCs ever popular thats life programme) HEARTS OF GOLD award. Esther
is thought to be coming out of her madness early to present the troops their
HEARTS OF GOLD awards live on BBC1 on a special FREEDOM FOR IRAGG Thats
life special to be filmed on location in Baghdad.

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Who will replace Mr Hussain as chief dictator in Iragg?

All sources of info point to legendary, roly-poly joke genius Bernard
Manning. UN chief Cofi Annan spoke yesterday:
It is likely that Mr Manning will be brought in as Saddams replacement.
Although he will have to promise not to do any of his sand-monkey racist
style jokes to the Iraggi people. The fat honkey f*ucker.
News is also filtering through that Roy chubby Brown may also be in the
running.

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US forces are believed to be staying on in Iragg even after they get their
own government/ new dictator.

It would seem that many believe that the war kicks ass! far too much to
stop. When the orders eventually come through to exit Iragg it is believed
that the average yankee trooper will reply with ohhhhhh, noooooooooooo, I
dont want to go home. I wanna stay here with my friends and then sit all
grumpy with their arms folded.
The USs Donald Rumsfeld had this to say:
Yes, it will be a problem but we have the solution. The guys WILL have to
return home, oh yes, but we will give them the opportunity to let one of
their new army friends stay over at their house, so that theyre not too
lonely. All the soldiers mums have already agreed to this, its going to be
a massive surprise for the guys dagnabbit!

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Baghdad auction to go ahead.

It is believed by many that Saddam controlled his people with an iron fist.
Well, this massive (1238x6542 FPs) iron fist will be the star lot in this
mega-auction. It is thought that military museums around the world are
interested and the fist could go for as high as 27!!!!!!!

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Coalition special forces, namely her majestys Special Air Service have made
good progress and are well on course for having at least 5 chapters done for
their future bestselling books.

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Does this war kick ass? Whos better at being coalition forces the yankees
or the good ol brits? We would like to have a waco style cult ranch debate
on the subject at hand. Please send your comments to the usual address.

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